From the Archives, February 2016
We’re just days away from the proposal now (5 days, eep!) I’m as nervous as… well someone who has something to be really nervous about. I’m not great at similes. Everyone knows now. Well, not everyone, but all my important people know. The girls who will be my bridesmaids, my mom, my dad, my co-workers. They all know, they all are very supportive. But damnit if I’m not shaking in my boots. I went back and forth while trying to decide if I should show this to Jim’s parents, or maybe even tell them that I’m doing this, but I think it’s best that I don’t. They’re very supportive of our relationship (and we were all joking about how Jim is taking his time proposing!) but I’m not sure it’d be fair to Jim to get them involved if he says no.
I originally thought of the idea of proposing to Jim months ago. I think it was just after we moved in together in July, but I didn’t do anything much beyond thinking about it. The big decision happened January 17th (unfortunately, this isn’t one of “our days” but oh well). I had been dealing with a bout of anxiety for about 12 days and had yet to talk to him about it.
I tell Jim nearly everything. At this point, the only thing he doesn’t know is that I have a blog and that he’s getting proposed to. This particular anxiety just seemed so stupid, so I had anxiety about the anxiety and I just thought I would look stupid if I said anything to him. On the 17th, I finally told him about it. His reaction was what I had hoped it would be, but what my brain told me never to expect. He understood. He has dealt with a similar issue in the past and he was able to talk to me about it and assure me it was not stupid to feel that way. That night, that conversation, changed our relationship in an indescribable way. I’ve mentioned that I have known for quite a while that he was going to be the man I marry. That night stapled in the fact that this is going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with. That night, while we were falling asleep I started thinking about how I would ask him.
The following day I went to work and Amazon searched bottle openers. I’m super lame and am allergic to alcohol, yet I still have more bottle openers than Jim. I thought a great “will you marry me gift” would be a bottle opener. Low and behold, I found the bottle opener ring. I didn’t want to get him a ring at all, I thought “what kind of guy wears an engagement ring?” Wasn’t there an episode of King of Queens or Mike and Molly about that? Maybe it was Friends. It was some lame TV show I watched at some point and this guy was made fun of for wearing an engagement ring. I didn’t want Jim to be that guy. BUT HOW AWESOME WOULD A BOTTLE OPENER ENGAGEMENT RING BE?!
That’s right. Super awesome.
I don’t know how it will fit him or if he’d even wear it if he’s not drinking, but if I do say so myself, it’s a pretty fabulous gift. If it does fit and he wants to wear it, I’m going it get it engraved with “HoneyBear”.
I feel like more explanation is needed, here. I’m letting you all in on our dirtiest little secrets, aren’t I? HoneyBear came from our nicknames. I like to be called Bea for short (it’s kind of my initials and I think that’s awesome!) so Jim started calling me HoneyBea. It might also be that I want to have zillions of bees one day!
[side note paragraph, when I marry Jim, I will keep my last name as a middle name so my initials will be BEAD and you have no idea how much this excites me! I’m super crafty and I make jewelry so BEAD is perfect!]
The Bear part comes from me trying to think of a “sweet” nickname for him, seeing how I had a sweet one. JimmyBear was the first thought and it just stuck. My gummybear, JimmyBear! It didn’t take us long to come to “HoneyBear”. Our first initials are a completely bad pair and we didn’t want any stupid couple names from anyone else, so we gave ourselves a totally stupid name.
I think of him, and I smile. I’m writing this and I have this stupid grin and my eyes are getting a little misty. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Not because I depend on him, no. Not because without him, I’d be lost, none of that crap. I couldn’t imagine my life without him because of who he is as a person. He is one of the most wonderful human beings I have had the pleasure of knowing. He’s so honest with everyone, he doesn’t hide his feelings from me, and he’s great at doing dishes! (Future edit here. He’s only okay at dishes)
I could go on forever about his attributes. I could also go on forever about his faults, but no matter what I say about him, positive or negative, I love him more and more with each word I type.
Let’s chat about the capacity to love. I feel like being a little philosophical right now. Love is an intangible emotion (as all emotions are), and as such, the capacity to love is not a measurable amount, it is a variable. That’s why when someone says “I never think I can love you more, but I do everyday” or some nonsense of the like, they are being as honest as they can about the subject, no matter the cliche, because their capacity is forever changing and becoming something new. The capacity to love, in short, is fluid.
Writing this has made me all the more appreciative of Jim and how wonderful he is. I got mad at him the other day because he opened a $25 block of Parmesan and put it back in the fridge without putting it in a container or wrapping it in plastic. The end of a block of cheese was completely hard and with my love for cheese being deeper than my love for excel, I was peeved that he would abuse something I love in such a demeaning way. I may have not talked to him for a couple of hours. But as soon as I started writing a section of this, I realized how stupid the cheese peeve was in the long scheme of things. I have the most amazing man on earth and I am not talking to him because of a block of cheese. That’s the stupidest thing I could do. Our time spent on earth with the one we love is so short, why waste any of it?
I’m fully prepared for a no. I think I’m more ready for him to say no than for him to say yes. I don’t know for sure, but the gender norms may get in the way of his yes. I’m sure that if he does says no, nothing will really happen to the relationship. We’ll still be together, no issue. I do worry about how it may change the dynamic of the relationship. I can’t predict what I think may happen, but I assume there’ll be a tension underneath everything and every decision we made as a couple which scares me. Why ruin a perfect relationship with a proposal, right? I can’t back out now, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll say yes.